Life After a Layoff

Your work does not define your worth.

Intellectually I’ve always known that one’s vocation does not define their value and yet, after several years of performing the job that I created for myself, I realized that I had allowed it to define my worth.

A single mom at a young age, I worked hard to get an education while working full time. I found a way to turn my passion for nature into a lucrative career - a career that embodied this passion by reducing environmental impact, improving people’s lives, spreading education and helping to foster the next generation of environmental stewards. I am the first college graduate in my family and my parents were so proud of each of my accomplishments. My work became what I discussed with family and friends, the essence of what I did, of who I was.

And then it ended. It didn’t come to a screeching halt, but slowly fizzled out as budgets dried up, as department structures shifted and changed. I watched in frustration as my ability to do all of these things slowly dwindled while I was forced to narrow my focus, until finally, the company couldn’t support my level of passion and I was laid off. With the end of my job came a crisis of identity.

At first it was a welcome relief. I could put all of my passion and energy into a new organization, one that would be eager for my knowledge and enthusiasm. I could revolutionize the way they did business, provide opportunities to a whole new pool of eager minds. I could improve a city, help the impoverished and under-represented, and all while helping the environment.

Until one great interview turned into a pleasant, “Thanks, but no thanks.” Then a second interview, then no interviews. One month passed, then two, and with each weekly passage a little bit of my self-esteem left me. I was deflated, frustrated and beginning to panic.

In the midst of this third-life crisis (I’m hopeful for longevity), I faced some family drama which left me mentally depleted. Children on the cusp of adulthood, medical bills, constant worry, and underlying stress as my bank account slowly shrunk and I had all day to ruminate on my worries.

My amazingly supportive partner has kept me sane as I begin to consider work that I thought I had left behind - simple work that will fulfill my need for social interaction, that I can leave behind at the end of the day, that will allow me to be in the world connecting with others without any personal stake. This appeals to me even as I struggle to reconcile that who I am is not what I do. Will I still be able to help the earth, help people, make a difference, be remembered? Is it important? To stave off the anxiety, I return time and time again to The Fifth Agreement, The Power of Now and other books in line with my philosophy. I know in my rational mind that what I DO is not who I AM, but still it persists. The first question people ask when they see me is often, “How is the job search going?” or “So, what are you doing now?” I should respond with my hobbies, activities and our plans for the future, but I’m programmed to think they are talking about my vocation (and they probably are) and so I avoid social interactions now too. I avoid the neighbors, I don’t reach out to friends for fear of these questions and my inability to answer them.

I know I am not alone. I also know that I will emerge from this transitional time a more peaceful human, a better person, a more grounded human. Each day presents internal conflict between my ego, my emotions and my intellect. Many days my rational mind prevails and I enjoy a day filled with peace, enjoyment of my surroundings, and productive activities. Other days I am derailed by frustrated boredom and a desperate attempt to be useful and productive. My journey to a more zen-like human is not complete, but I see progress every day. We are NOT our work. Our value and worth are not determined by the activities that pay the bills - even if those activities embody your values. You are. That is enough. I tell you that and I will keep telling myself the same.