Mending Fences

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A middle-aged man enters the coffee shop and orders two coffees and one muffin. He sits with his book, to read and to wait, the second coffee and the muffin placed carefully in front of the empty seat. Every few minutes he looks out the window, scanning the parking lot. Long after the coffee has grown cold and most would have given up, he looks up and stands suddenly. Anyone observing can see the anticipation and cautious delight on his face as a young woman approaches. She seems resigned to the meeting and does not greet him with a smile or any physical contact. He gives her his full attention and she sips the coffee with disinterest. She seems to answer his questions, but makes little eye contact. After what seems like only a few minutes, she stands and shuffles off, shoulders hunched and head down - muffin untouched. She stops at a vehicle that is not hers and pets a dog through an open window. For a moment, her face comes alive. She kisses the dog and gets in her car. The man sits still, watching her until she leaves. Then he gathers his things, gets in the van with the dog and drives away.

The man will return week after week. Sometimes, he waits to order food for the young woman, other times he orders in advance. Often, she does not arrive, and with a final check of his phone, the man gathers his things and drives away. He has a kind face and an open demeanor. It is clear that he cares deeply for the young woman, but carefully hides his sadness and desire to connect behind a casual smile.  

This routine continues for months. Slowly, observers would notice that the woman begins to approach with a smile. She stays for longer periods of time and eventually, she even eats the food he offers. Still, there are times when he waits in vain, but week after week, month after month, he persists. One day, several months later, there is a palpable change in the relationship. They hug, she laughs, her conversation with the man is animated. Once, she even brings a male friend to introduce to the older man. I cannot say for certain, but having frequented the same coffee shop and watched the evolution of this relationship, it seems clear that this man is the young woman’s father and has slowly, with persistence and love, mended whatever broken fences existed between them.

It’s a strange term to suggest a strengthened bond or relationship, mending fences. For in reality, fences provide a barrier, a separation, a way to keep things out or hold them in, depending on the type of fence. But Robert Frost did say that “good fences make good neighbors,” so it has persisted that to mend a fence means to repair a relationship.

My guy and I performed some literal fence mending this weekend. Bracing gates and strengthening boards, he likes to say with a grin that I am great at mending fences. It’s our second fence repair together and fences are not as complicated to mend as they seem. You have to find the weak areas and remove any items that are keeping them from functioning properly (rusted out nails, for example). Then you carefully put them back together, making the bonds stronger. The old scars and holes left from improper construction or made through the stress of time or stormy weather do not disappear, but a strong fence is created when you take the time to mend them.

When we were talking about mending fences, my guy reminded me of the man and the young woman (and inspired this post). We have been watching them for well over a year and trying to fill in a back-story for what we can only assume is a father/child relationship. It is beautiful to watch, no matter what happened in their past and you can see on their faces how much joy they now have in their repaired relationship. It’s a lovely demonstration of the power of healing.

How to Mend a Fence
Step 1: Identify the weak points
Step 2: Remove barriers to repair
Step 3: Reinforce with patient, methodical steps using strong bonds
Step 4: Keep fence in good repair with regular maintenance and care

Are there any fences you need your attention?